Without you, the ground thaws...

You know, Jonathan's words can be just so profound sometimes.

Yesterday I had to do something really hard. I had to say Yizkor for my Grandmother for the first time. On Yom Kippur, we have a memorial service where we say prayers or meditate on our lost loved ones.

It was hard because it's still weird to think of her as not here with us. I wear her diamond ring, the ring that she always wore and she held my hand with thousands of times. I remember when we lost my aunt, I went in to see the casket and Grandma came with me and she was quite upset. Things like that always took her back to losing my grandfather.

It's so ironic too because she would have been totally behind my joining the Teaching Fellowship, but without the money she left me, I would not have been able to do it. So I like to think she helped me through it, somehow.

She used to drive us nuts, but in the end we knew it was because she loved us and we loved her. The world seems smaller now that I have one less person around that loves me.

But as always, life goes on. We change careers, me fall in love, we get puppies and have babies...and wonder what the reactions would be of the people who aren't here with us.

1 Week Down...

"The first year is the hardest."

"A lot of teachers drink."

"You feel like a failure."

"I used to go home and cry everyday."

"You have good days and bad days."

Well, there you have it. One week down, many more to go. The first three days were ok. Today, not so much. I could not get my students to do anything. I felt completely helpless and I didn't know what to do. I was having a "what am I doing here" sort of morning.

It started out ok enough, I got them to do a couple things but by the time we got to Math class, they were out of control and nothing I did or said could change that. I felt ineffectual and in experienced...both of which I was right at that moment. I wa snot sure how to combat it. The boys could tell and of course took advantage.

I gave a couple of different assignments and asked them to hand them in. On both accounts, I received only three. During lunch, I kinda lost it, at least while I was on my own but then I looked for a fellow teacher to ask him something and he saw me upset (mostly because he asked if I was upset and then I lost again and I felt like a moron. I don't like being upset in front of people, least of all, people I don't know well.)

At least toward the end of the day I had a debriefing session with two other teachers and I found they were in the same boat, frustration-wise as myself. But the question still remains, what to do about it? I don't remember anyone behaving in my schools the way these kids behave in class. Maybe because I was in a suburban school. Maybe because I was in some of the honors classes. Who knows?

I wouldn't go back to sitting behind a desk. But can I become the person these kids need me to become in order for all of us to succeed? We'll see.